The first mistake was you married him (or her). The second mistake was you undertook divorce
without preparation.
"Be
prepared!” Wasn’t that the Girl Scouts
or the Boy Scouts motto? I am not sure because my mother, for reasons that
evade me some 50 years later, refused to let me become a Girl Scout.
Nonetheless, she did relentlessly drill into me that nothing substituted for
preparation. Thanks, Mom.
Still,
for every “ounce of prevention” instilled into me, I more often than not see
clients who are not prepared for divorce in any way…economically,
intellectually or emotionally. Not surprisingly, my observations are shared by
many of my fellow family law attorneys.
Divorce lawyer, Rebecca Zung, has authored a book, Breaking Free: A Step-By-Step Divorce Guide to Emotional, Physical and
Spiritual Freedom, that outlines seven BIG mistakes women (and, let’s be
fair, more frequently men, make in the path leading up to and during the
divorce.
In the order that
makes sense, here they are with my spin to them:
- Zero to limited knowledge of family finances: I have actually had many clients who walk in and, not only have no idea of where the money is, but have no clue as to what their spouses earn. This is almost tantamount to the old joke where a woman doesn’t understand how she has no money when she still has checks in her checkbook. (I guess the updated version is “I still have a debit card…how can I have no money.”) Ladies (and Gentlemen) YOU NEED TO KNOW AND YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW… If your spouse is secretive, ask. Candidly, I think if couples shared more about their finances there would be less divorce.
- Having no money to begin a divorce: Too frequently a spouse has neither a rainy day fund to cover temporary day-to-day living expenses nor funds to begin a divorce proceeding for an initial retainer for an attorney. Again, “fail to plan and plan to fail.” Although you can request that a court award you temporary support and temporary attorney’s fees, first you have to have funds to begin the case. As lawyers we only have our advice and knowledge to “sell” and practicing law is a business. So clients have to be prepared to pay. After all, you wouldn’t expect to fill your cart with groceries, go to the checkout and tell the cashier you have no money and then leave the store. Moreover, even after a motion for temporary support is filed, it could take weeks and even months to get before a judge.
- Trying to “do it yourself”: My favorite line is when a wife says, “My husband told me that I will get nothing from him if I hire a lawyer.” So what’s new…this guy has run the whole marriage and now he thinks he’s going to run the whole divorce. Since most people have not gone through a divorce before, they don’t know what to expect and what their rights and obligations are. That’s why you hire an attorney.
- Acting with your heart and not your head: Of course divorce is emotional, and I expect to see clients angry, sad, downright depressed, confused, and, yes, even vengeful at times (more times than I’d like to acknowledge). That’s another area where lawyers earn their keep (See #3 above). Although, as a “person” I truly sympathize with the havoc my clients go through, when it comes to trying to get the case resolved, two attorneys can remove the emotional aspects of divorce and concentrate on solutions that will help the clients move on with life. I not only encourage, but often suggest that my clients seek the aid of a qualified therapist to get them through these trying times. Rather than see it as a sign of weakness, I believe it is a sign of strength to get through this tough period and make rational decisions in the process.
- Believing Divorce is a Fair and Just Process: It isn’t. Period. So if you think you’re going to get a better deal because your spouse cheated, or you were a devoted wife, forget it. (This swings both ways…if a person is cheated on and makes more money he/she could still be paying alimony at the end). Because there are areas within divorce law where judges have discretion (and enough latitude so that they don’t have their decisions overturned on appeal) your outcome may well depend on the judge’s personal life. If he’s paying alimony he might be gentler on a husband in front of him.
- Reacting to your Husband’s Reaction: Typically once the divorce process begins, even if it is initiated by the wife, after a while husbands usually accept the inevitable and the emotional aspect is removed, or, at least, downplayed. From that “ah ha” moment onward the husband negotiates a business deal. Wives, on the other hand, cannot understand why there is now this cold, callous and calculating individual who no longer wants to discuss things she still feels (and often rightfully so) are important (like the kids…) The sooner a wife can understand, if not accept, that she is in the throes of business negotiations, the sooner she will be in a position of strength.
- A Settlement Too Soon and for Too Little: Although Zung lists this as a final factor, I say this is an “it depends” factor. I have heard people complain that lawyers drag a case out (costing more time and money). Yes, unfortunately, some of my more unscrupulous colleagues may engage in this game, but more often than not, caring, knowledgeable and experienced attorneys know when more time and work is needed on a case, and when the attorney has enough information to help to client make an informed decision. However, listen when your lawyer says you will do better in court. Your spouse (or his attorney) may try to “scare” you into a settlement. If you feel that way, reread numbers 3 through 6.
Yes, the common theme running through
all of these “mistakes” is acting emotionally instead of rationally. Let’s face it; women are hard wired to act
this way. That’s why we have the babies
(or maybe that’s the other way around) and traditionally (note- I said “traditionally”- not always) are the ones
who devoted more time to child rearing- while the husbands were out honing
their negotiating skills for future divorce negotiations.
So the moral of the story is, if you’re
about to divorce or are in the midst of a divorce, remember that old Girls
Scout motto, whether you were a Girl Scout or not, and be prepared. As part of your preparation get someone to
help you remove as much of the emotional aspects as possible…a good lawyer and
a good therapist, not to mention some rational friends, are a good start.
