DIVORCE APHORISM OF THE DAY... "The divorced person is like a man with a black patch over one eye: He looks rather dashing but the fact is that he has been through a maiming experience." -Jo Coudert

On a More Serious Note, Memorial Day Thoughts....

So here it is, Memorial Day Weekend. For most of us this (except those in the retail and hospitality business…sorry working daughter) means a three day weekend filled with sun, sand, and barbeques, or some variation thereto. Sadly, most of us have lost sight of the true meaning of “Memorial Day,” though it would seem quite obvious from the name of the holiday. Historically, my research tells me that the holiday originated as “Decoration Day” when General John Logan, commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, declared that May 30, 1868 would be “designated for the purpose of strewing with flowers, or otherwise decorating the graves of comrades who died in defense of their country during the late rebellion…” For those who need a little honing on history, that would be the Civil War. Of course, still not ready to acknowledge that they “lost,” the Southern States (of which, regrettably Florida was…and is…one) did not take kindly to this designation. Nonetheless, as the United States added a flurry of other wars to its history, and thankfully not wars where we battled each other, the idea of a unified Memorial Day came to be and was officially declared by President Lyndon Johnson in 1966. Over the years I have represented a number of service men and women in various family law matters. It’s tough moving around so much, getting sent off to crazy foreign places with even crazier people around whose principal goal it is to blow up the world. (a little oversimplified, but hopefully the point is made), and to, at the same time, have a spouse and children thousands of miles away. These clients have always been respectful (I have to make them stop the “yes ma’am” because it just makes me feel so old) and compliant with what we need to help with their cases. So when I hear about the atrocities that face our soldier on a daily basis, and when I hear about another attack, and more soldiers making the “ultimate sacrifice,” I often wonder, and sincerely hope that I am not hearing about any former clients. Let’s face it, we all become hardened to these stories and, for the most part, military deaths reported on the nightly news (or Twitter feed or whatever social media has augmented the old school method of communication) become statistics that we are numb to hearing. Otherwise, in reality, we would probably sink into such a deep depression that daily functioning would become impossible. Those who are remembered on this day were son and daughters, brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, uncles and aunts, cousins and friends. They were part of a family who made the ultimate sacrifice to allow the rest of us to spend this weekend with our families. Last summer I made a trip to the Normandy landing beaches in France, where the D-Day invasion during World War II began. While looking out from under a gray sky into the gray waters of the English Channel, and reading the accounts at the museum, I could not help but muster deep gratitude and pride in what my father’s generation achieved during those historic days. Yet, only a few hours later I visited the Normandy American cemetery in Colleville-Sur-Mer, France. Perched atop a breathtaking cliff overlooking Omaha Beach. The endless rows of meticulously lined white stone crosses, intermingled with stars of David, brought home the reality of what that battle truly cost. In 1973, when I was a young teenager, I visited another World War II military cemetery that looked the same in the Philippines. There are too many of these cemeteries around the world and in our own backyards from the battles of the past and the battles of the present. In gratitude and in memory, let us all take a moment away at 3:00 today, (official time)from our family festivities or whatever we are doing, to think about those who lost that part of their family. Never take for granted that and those we enjoy each day. (Hopefully the link below will show you the Normandy cemetery....) https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BxwXZYV2nVjAOFVXdGROZHZzWDBRSjRhUHk3QnpmY3gtT2RB/view?usp=sharing To Learn More About my firm, visit www.vovalaw.com

Best Gifts for Mom? Read On

So here we are on the cusp of another Mother’s Day. The proverbial question always surfaces. What should we do/get Mom for Mother’s Day? Being the mother of only two children, I have no credentials to speak for all mothers, or even those who, bless their souls, mothered so many kids they could field their own sports team. However, since, as a family law attorney who, over the past three decades, has represented many mothers perhaps I have a little more insight into what the sisterhood of motherhood really wants from their children…not just on the second Sunday of May, but for now and always. Okay, okay, I won’t deny that I love the excitement of a surprise gift as much as the next mom. And when someone else does the cooking, be it in my own kitchen or at a restaurant, it is always a good day. But let’s face it, the flowers die, the gifts get worn out or used up (except jewelry …but even that often goes out of fashion) and the food, well, let’s just say the only thing that one retains from a nice meal is a few extra pounds. So what do moms want? When my kids were really little, and after caring for ill parents and working full time, what I really wanted for Mother’s Day was to be left alone. A single mom of three who works in my office said that “peace and quiet” was what she wanted this year. But instead she plans to take the kids to an art studio where they can paint a cup or dish or something so that she has a great fun day with her threesome and a little memento to remember that day long after. Another attorney lamented that she had to spend the day traveling from Miami to Palm Beach to see her mother, grandmother, mother-in-law and grandmother-in- law. I told her not to fret because the day would come when she didn’t have the burden placed on her on “her day”...but it would be when they were dead… I think I made my point. Typically, I get treated to brunch on Mother’s Day morning, but this year my oldest daughter is studying for the last two of her 1st year law school exams. So we are staying home, because I can’t think of anything worse than being out trying to enjoy the day with a daughter stressed out…besides it brings back flashbacks of that horrible time for me. So what would be my best short term gift for mother’s day? Well, my daughter getting a good grade on her torts and contracts exams would be way up there. So if by some fluke of life Professor Silver and Professor Sullivan somehow read this, her last name begins with a Z and her first name begins with a J…Thank you. Still, all in all, let’s review briefly what Moms do. Moms make the sacrifices. We go the sleepless nights; we organize the birthday parties; we don’t pass out when blood is gushing out of a child’s body part; we never (or rarely) miss their child’s sporting/dance event, even if the child plays the position of bench warmer most of the time; we put work (and more often “life”) on hold when a child calls to tell of their latest triumph or tribulation; we volunteer to be the parent who picks up not only their kids, but however many others the car will hold from a really late party and let them all sleep over; we leave notes taped on the bathroom mirror before leaving for work so their kids take care of things they are supposed to without getting a note (okay, maybe that’s only me, but nagging is one of my outstanding motherly characteristics according to my younger daughter); and we cry at the graduations and other life events. After all, the person who gave you life is at least entitled to that! Overall, all mothers want some assurance that we’ve done a good job being a mother. Many years ago, when my girls were still young, mothers going through divorces would often ask me if they were doing the right thing in raising their children. My answer back then was unwavering regardless of who asked. I simply replied, “Come back in 20 years and I’ll let you know, because, honestly, I don’t know if I am doing it right.” In the time I’ve had to make these observations, whether with clients or in my own circle, I’ve seen Moms who rightfully deserve the superhero award whose kids fell off the path, and I’ve seen moms who should be stripped of their titles who’ve turned out superstars. How do I reconcile that? I don’t, and hearken back to what Scarr, the evil uncle of Simba in the Lion King said to his naïve little nephew, “ life’s not fair.” Now that most of those 20 years have passed since this question was first posed to me, I am still not sure I could tell moms they are doing it right or wrong. But sometimes, when I least expect it, I watch my daughters emulate something I (think) I taught them, and even more so, sometimes they teach me a thing or two. These small moments of triumph are worth all the flowers and brunches in the world. In these moments, I’d like to think I at least got at least a passing grade. So to all you kids out there (which means you have a mom), on Mother’s Day go for the brunch and flowers, but let her know more than once a year, especially if she is a single mom, that you are grateful for everything she has given up for you, both large and small. It is the gift that keeps on giving! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL. -Cindy Vova To learn more about how the Law Office of Cindy S. Vova can assist you with family law matters, visit our website: http://www.vovalaw.com

No Changes to Alimony-Florida Legislature It's All Phony

With the recent deadlock that took place between the Florida House and Senate, resulting in a legislative session that did, essentially, nothing, I was reminded of a boyfriend I had in college at the University of Miami, who I met in, of all places, accounting class. When our Friday class ended and our weekend officially began, I would always suggest that we do our homework so that we'd have it out of the way. "But what if the world ends on Sunday? Then we'd have wasted our last weekend studying," he would always retort. For the past two months, every evening I'd say to myself, "time to write a blog about the two bills pending in the Florida House and Senate regarding alimony reform." Now, I was well aware of what each of these bills contained, and I had even discussed them with clients, and had done some preliminary calculations using the proposed formulas for calculating alimony. Alas, any insight this blog would have provided would all have been for naught. Yes folks, as you've likely already discovered, the House, running loggerheads with their brothers and sisters in the Senate, decided to just pick up their bats and balls and go home. (Remember, this is our state government and not Little League.) Thus, it seems pretty likely that any changes to the current Florida Alimony Statute will just have to wait until next year. Whew, do I feel better that I didn't impart any useless information on you this round. A side note, however, just today Senate President Andy Gardiner and House Speaker Steve Crisafulli told their minions that they are to return for a June session where, at the very least, they will attempt to pass a State budget...or face a state government shutdown (no court??) Clearly, there are a lot more important items that impact on many more residents of this state than alimony reform and the House and Senate need to do the jobs we elected them to do. Of course, my clients may disagree, but that's another story. I just sincerely hope that the special session next month doesn't mess up any of our legislators' vacation plans. As for next year, I hope the Senate understands that alimony and timesharing with children do not fit in the same bill. In the meantime, if you need assistance with current family law matters, please contact our office or visit our website to learn more about how we can assist you (under the current law!)http://www.vovalaw.com Law Office of Cindy S. Vova, P.A. 8551 West Sunrise Blvd., Suite 301 Plantation, FL 33322 954-316-3496

The Family Law Attorney-Robots Need Not Apply

              So, I am sitting in room full of very wealthy people.  (Note: I am only here for observation), and we are learning about digital/machine technology that bit-by-bit continues replacing people in various fields.  The very intelligent speaker (I’d like to come back as this speaker who waxes so eloquently) tells me, as well as a room of about 200 other people who are, as previously mentioned, ostensibly very wealthy, about surgeries performed by robots and sometimes by doctors in remote locations. (Wait, let me put down this pina colada and make the incision).  He spoke of other computers that can do all sorts of functions that humans  used to do  using this wonderful technology concept with algorithms and lots of other cool terms that I could throw out in the blog but, candidly , don’t have a clue how they work. Then he piqued my interest when he spoke about machines that can help make legal decisions(!)

                He spoke of a world where “humans need not apply.”  So true in so many situations.  He even spent some time talking about the self-driving car (Hey, I thought of this idea probably 45 years ago. However, since I was to be a future lawyer, I fit right into the mold as an over-ambitious person who sucks at math and science, and missed the boat on that one.)

                As the speaker continued on, I had the urge to stand up and pose an objection (Hey, I am a trial lawyer, after all).  Of course, under the circumstances, that would have been rude, so those manners my parents (who are long gone) taught me prevailed, and I just decided to write about my dissent instead.

                The grounds for my objection were (in my head) based on the following:  There are just some jobs where humans not only need apply, but where humans must apply and must perform.

                I like to think that my job as a family law attorney is one such position that cannot be replaced.  Why? Because family law transcends so much more than just the law.  Yes, one of those rocket scientists could probably program a machine to crank out vanilla pleadings that have the barebones necessities to say what needs to be pled, and to calculate child support Candidly, we already have that.  But what about the rest?  You see, as one of my favorite law professors said to my class over 30 years ago, “the facts do make an impact on the case.”  So while I continue to use a bunch of unrelated quotes, let me continue with classic rocker Rod Stewart who said “every picture tells a story.” Almost without exception, each of the over 2000 family law cases that have made their way through my door, had its own unique story.  And I listen to each story, and as I contemplate the facts, the most important thing I do is I care.  The one thing that always shocks me is when a client says, “I know I don’t have a big case, and you have more important clients…”  I don’t know if I want to laugh or feel hurt, because without exception, I tell that client, “When you are here in my office, you are the most important client I have.”  And, I really mean this because, as I often say, I was a person long before I became a lawyer.[1]

                So, notwithstanding that moving lecture I heard the other night, I am pretty confident that I have job security, and my staff does as well.  Because, one of the essential tools in family law, at least in my practice, is having a heart.[2] Although there are machine-made artificial hearts, they cannot replace a real heart needed to practice family law. I know some of my family law colleagues do not share my view and do not practice with a heart.  But, at the end of the day, I think I sleep a little better at night, and hopefully so do my clients.

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[1] After so many years in practice, I have now been a lawyer more years than my pre-lawyer life, but I have not lost touch with the human part as it is the most important part.

[2]  One also needs this to land the role of the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz).

Learn more about the Law Office of Cindy S. Vova, P.A. at www.vovalaw.com

THE PARENTAL ACHIEVEMENT TEST...HOW WELL DO YOU SCORE? (go ahead...it's self graded)

    While listening to National Public Radio on Sunday, I heard an interesting story about a high school in New Jersey where, as part of a health class project designed to, among other things, discourage teen pregnancy, girls were entrusted with robotic infants to care for over the course of two days.



     According to the report, the babies exhibited all the characteristics of "real" infants: crying, sleeping, eating, burping and requiring diaper changes although, I think, the latter neither involved the mess nor the odor that come with the real McCoy. 

  
      Moreover, when the  plastic baby cried (which, according to the report, occurred quite frequently) the "mother" had to determine if the baby needed to be fed, changed, burped or rocked, and to act on the baby's needs within a prescribed time.  In addition, the mother could not assign these tasks to a "substitute" caretaker, as the moldable midget would only respond to the mother's care, courtesy of a wrist band that the "mother" would wave over the baby to identify her.  The mom's response (or lack thereof) registered on an internal computer that gave the teacher data to then assign a grade to mommy based on a 100% scale.



       The two high school girls followed in the story, we are told, are best friends.  One young girl, who told the reporter she was a Christian, wished to go to a religious based college and find the man of her dreams and then start a family early.  The other best friend was "theatre girl," interested in drama and performance, and clearly more likely to be the "wild child" of the two.

   
      So who do you think ended up with the higher grade at the end? I'll save you the suspense of waiting until another blog or looking up the story on NPR's website.  It was Theatre Girl hands down, with a score of 94% versus Prim and Proper's unimpressive 71%.

    
    So  much for preconceived notions of what characteristics make a good parent.  Now, candidly, this "real life drama" failed to give the mom a break at all, including when the moms were in class or rehearsing for a play.  Obviously parents of real life humanoids would not think of leaving a baby behind a stage curtain while rehearsing or bringing the child to class.  All parents need a break sometime.

   
    But I had to wonder, what if my two now adult daughters came with a readout  of how I measured as a parent from their infancy?   How would their father compare if the exams were placed next to each other?  Would I be graded on a curve based on my friends and how they parented their children? What are the criteria? How smart they are?  How nice they are? How talented they are?   Would it be a larger curve based on South Florida, Florida, the United States (sort of like a PSAT - but in this case it would be a Parent Standard Achievement Test)?  Perhaps more scary is what if my kids gave out the grades? I'm pretty sure I'd get a higher grade from one of them, but would they both give Dad a higher grade?  After all, he has about 1000 times more patience than I have, and he never nags them...if nagging were on the test I'd definitely get 100 percent.



    Fortunately for me, and perhaps most of us parents, we do not have to worry about getting a physical report card for our parenting skills.  But, as parents, it is not a bad idea to stop now and again, and do a little self evaluation score card.  No place would this be more appropriate than where parents are not living together, and share time with the other parent and the children.  This is not to suggest that you should measure yourself against the other parent.  Rather, remove yourself from the picture, become a third party observer (the proverbial fly on the wall) and think about how you handle  the day-to-day activities as well as those more difficult moments with your children. Better yet, imagine your children in the very distant future...at your funeral.  What would they say about how you raised them?  How would they describe your relationship (or lack thereof) with their other parent?  Would they say you always took the "high road"? Would they just skip over that because the memory was not a pleasant one? 



    Truly, this is a self- graded exam.  The results will not be published; they will not help you get into graduate school or get a better job, or get you a raise at work.  In some instances, a higher grade may result in a lower income because  good parenting involves a lot of time, a lot of patience and putting your kids above all else...even those negative emotions harbored with their other parent. 



      But, at the end of the day, if you, unlike the high school girls with their plastic pups, brought these babes into the world, then you owe it to them to try your best to, not only pass the course, but get a gold star.



      Try to remember this the next time you have the urge to bash the other parent in front of the kids!

 -Cindy Vova

Please visit my website www.vovalaw.com

The Petnuptial May be a "Purrfect" Solution for Marrying (and potentially divorcing) Pet Parents

        So it has been a few weeks since I posted my blog  that (shocker) pets are not people in the eyes of Florida courts. If you’ve spent any time contemplating that revelation then here is something to contemplate… a pet nuptial agreement.   Created in the United Kingdom by a pet charity known as Blue Cross (not to be confused by the U.S. insurance behemoth by the same name, though , admittedly, some people who have had that insurance probably feel like they’ve gone to a vet for treatment rather than a doctor), Petnups ( a purrrfect name)offers a download that covers ownership, responsibilities and rights if the human relationship goes sour.  This is pretty new wave considering that until a landmark case in 2010, the UK did not even recognize people prenups as binding.

       
        The document combines contracts for deeds of agreement (think-buying a car with a loan),  divorce settlements and consent orders in an attempt to make the Petnup a legally binding document.  Clearly, there is a need for such a document. Researchers found that  30 percent of divorcing couples  disputed ongoing pet care.  Bones of contention included who would pay for veterinary bills, availability for grooming, vacation and holiday plans and how long the pet should be left alone (sounds just like the issues with kids). According to Blue Cross, pets are often given up to shelters during a divorce when neither party wants nor can care for the pet after the breakup.

                The former chairman of the American Bar association Animal Law Committee, Rebecca Hass (a law professor at Valparaiso University who, perhaps in the lofty stacks of academia, has more time to contemplate and research this than a lowly lawyer in a tiny firm), was quoted in the January 2015 ABA Journal as saying the Petnup is a good idea, though it remains unclear as to whether a court would enforce it, especially as it concerns visitation and shared custody (or, as we might, in keeping with current child law, call it in Florida a Pet- time sharing and Pet-parenting plan).

            At the end of the day, if you are really as attached to your pet as your kids, (or perhaps even more so- at least pets greet you when you come home) it comes down to what is really going to be best for the pet.  If you want to keep the cat just because your soon-to-be ex loves it more than you, is that a good reason to fight for a cat you never liked? ( hint-no).  On the other hand, if you have a well adjusted pet who can easily adapt to changes well, maybe an agreement to time share makes sense.  And while you’re at it, you might think about what is going to happen to your pet if you die.  Trust and estate lawyers frequently include pet provisions in wills and trust.   Afterall, the late irate hotel magnate Leona Helmsley left her Maltese, Trouble, $2 million!  Now that was a lucky dog.[i]


Cindy Vova
www.vovalaw.com

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[i] Poor Trouble left  for the Rainbow Bridge in 2011, leaving, thankfully, the remainder of his unused largess to children’s charities.www.vovalaw.com